When to Leave - When Your Family Hates the Church

The episode delves into the challenges faced by ministry families when church responsibilities overshadow familial relationships. It encourages candid conversations, boundary-setting, and prioritizing family health above all to ensure a harmonious balance between ministry and home life.

• Discussing the impact of ministry on family dynamics 
• Highlighting unrealistic expectations faced by church family members 
• Emphasizing communication as a tool for understanding 
• Addressing the busyness of ministry and its effects 
• Offering practical steps to prioritize family well-being 
• Encouraging scheduling family meetings for open dialogue 
• Stating the importance of loving and supporting one's family 
• Inviting listener stories to connect and share experiences

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Hey there, welcome back to the Healthy Church Staff Podcast. My name is Todd Rhodes. I'm one of the co-founders over at chemistrystaffingcom and I'm here to walk with you every day, monday through Friday. You and I talk about challenges and opportunities that ministry brings our way. Today's episode hits really close to home for many of us at one time or another in our ministry.

Speaker 1: 0:30

What do you do when things aren't going well at the church? Okay, let's just be honest, Things aren't going really well and it's bleeding over into your family, not only your spouse, but also your kids and how they feel about the church. What do you do? What do you do when your family starts to hate the church I know that's a strong word, but dislike the church or have bad feelings about the church or even hate the church. We talk with candidates. It's more often than what I'd like to say. We ask how their wife or how their husband is doing and they say, to be honest, they haven't been to church with me. They haven't been to our church for six months or a year. It happens and it's a tough topic, but it's an important one, and we are in the middle of a three, almost smack dab in the middle of a three-week series inspired by Wade Hodge's book when to Leave, how to know when it's time to move on before you stay too long. And today we're going to explore how ministry can affect your family and how to make decisions that honor both your calling and your loved ones. Okay, so let's be honest, ministry doesn't just affect you, your ministry doesn't just affect you, it affects your family, and when your spouse or kids start expressing frustration or resentment or even anger toward the church, it's a signal that hey, that's a red flag, something needs some attention here.

Speaker 1: 1:51

So Wade Hodges in his book, highlights some common reasons that families struggle with ministry, and the first is unrealistic expectations. Your family might feel like they're living in a fishbowl, constantly being watched and judged. So maybe unrealistic expectations are a problem. Maybe there's not enough time to spend together, just a lack of time together. Ministry can be all consuming, especially during seasons, and sometimes that leaves a little room if you're not careful for quality family time, and over time this can really breed some resentment.

Speaker 1: 2:27

Maybe there's conflict and criticism in your church, and when your family sees you being criticized or mistreated, it can hurt them deeply, sometimes more than it hurts you. As a matter of fact, I would almost guarantee that if you're criticized, it's going to hurt your spouse in many instances more than it hurts you. It's going to hurt your spouse in many instances more than it hurts you because she's going to want to, or he's going to want to, stick up for you right. So conflict and criticism might be a reason. And then, finally, maybe you're just in the busyness of serving others, maybe you're just neglecting their needs. It's easy to unintentionally not saying anybody does this on purpose but unintentionally neglect the emotional and spiritual needs of your own family, because you're doing God's work right. So ignoring these issues is it doesn't make it go away. It doesn't make these issues go away. In fact, it can often make things worse.

Speaker 1: 3:21

If your family is struggling, it's time to prioritize your health and well-being, even if it means making some difficult changes, and those changes can be really difficult. So here's the bottom line for today and I want you to remember this because this is really it's really key your family is your first ministry, not your church, not anything else. Your family has to be your first ministry, and if they're suffering because of your ministry, role man, something's got to give, something's got to change. So here are some steps that you can take. First of all, listen to their concerns. Set aside some time to have an honest conversation with your spouse and kids. Maybe that's together, maybe it's separately, but hopefully the communication is good enough in your family that you can just have a heart-to-heart and ask them how they're feeling about the church. Ask them how they're feeling about your role at the church. Really listen to them. Don't get defensive. You can't change how they feel and you're not going to change how they feel, especially if you get defensive. But listen to their concern. Then protect their boundaries, especially if they feel like they're living in that fishbowl.

Speaker 1: 4:31

Make it clear to the church that your family's well-being is a priority, and it might mean saying no to certain commitments or just creating some space for some family time. Maybe you need to evaluate your schedule. Take a really hard look at how you're spending your time. Are you overcommitted? Are you out of the house six nights a week? Are you overcommitted? What can you delegate? What can you eliminate to create more margin for your family? And maybe sometimes you just need to take some time to seek some support or some counseling If the strain of your family feels overwhelming. Don't hesitate. There is no embarrassment at all in seeking help from a counselor or a coach who understands the unique challenges of ministry.

Speaker 1: 5:16

So if you're dealing with any family members that are starting to feel, even if it's just a slight little bit, of resentment toward the church, here's an action step I'd love for you to take this week Schedule a family meeting. Maybe it's a one-on-one, maybe it's with the whole family. Just call a family meeting and create a safe space for everyone to share how they're feeling and ask questions Okay, what's working here, what's not? Where are you frustrated? What do I need to do better? How can I support you better? How can I support our family better? This is really important and you're not going to know the extent of the damage that you probably have an inclination, but you're not going to know really the extent of what's going on until you really start to drill down and have some conversations. Is this a struggle that you're facing? Is your family about done with church?

Speaker 1: 6:09

We often tell candidates that are like this in this situation man, the most important things you can do right now as a pastor. If we're talking to a guy, we'll say, hey, the most important thing you can do right now as a pastor. If we're talking to a guy, we'll say, hey, the most important thing you can do right now as a pastor is make sure that your wife loves the church and make sure that your kids come out of this loving Jesus. That's really incredibly important. If you'd love to share, I'd love to hear, and you can share, your story. I'd love to offer encouragement to you. I've been there, done that. I've seen the good, the bad, the ugly, and I would love to hear whatever you're going through and see if there's any way I can help. You can email me anytime. I'm just an email away podcast at chemistrystaffingcom and you just need to know. It might feel like it, but you're not alone in this and I'd be honored to help you and support you and we would here at Chemistry Staffing in any way that we can.

Speaker 1: 7:01

All right, finally, before I let you go today, if you've not already downloaded this Wade Hodges book when to Leave, I would like to give you a URL that you can use to download it right now. It's just chemistrystaffingcom slash when-to-leave. I made it as difficult as possible chemistrystaffingcom slash when-to-leave. It's a great resource for navigating through really tough decisions in ministry. Okay, that's it for today. Thanks so much for joining me. Remember your family's health and happiness are just as important as your ministry. Matter of fact, your family's health and happiness are your first ministry, and when your family thrives, your ministry is going to be stronger too. So take the time to listen and love and lead at home. All right, take care. I'll see you again here, right here tomorrow, on the Healthy Church Staff Podcast. Have a great day.