The Healthy Church Staff Podcast
We're all about helping create a healthy, positive, and spiritually positive environment for church staff members and leadership teams.
The Healthy Church Staff Podcast
Recognizing and Responding to Gaslighting and Manipulation in Ministry
Could gaslighting be silently eroding the trust and relationships within your church? Join us on the Healthy Church Staff Podcast as we confront this deeply unsettling issue head-on. Todd Rhoades, co-founder of Chemistry Staffing, offers an eye-opening exploration into how gaslighting and manipulation can infiltrate ministry settings, causing profound psychological and emotional harm. With real-life examples like pastors dismissing valid staff concerns and leaders denying promises, Todd uncovers the painful reality many face but seldom discuss.
In a candid and informative conversation, Todd not only breaks down the insidious nature of gaslighting but also provides essential strategies for those who suspect they're being targeted. Learn why trusting your instincts and meticulously documenting incidents are crucial steps toward reclaiming your sanity and self-worth. This episode is a must-listen for anyone in church leadership or staff who aims to foster a truly healthy and supportive church environment. Don't miss these invaluable insights that could be your first step toward healing and change.
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You know I may get myself in trouble. Today we're talking about gaslighting and manipulation in ministry. Ooh, it's a touchy topic, but we're going to tackle it here today on the Healthy Church Staff Podcast. Hi there, my name is Todd Rhodes and I'm one of the co-founders of thechemistrystaffingcom, and this is the Healthy Church Staff Podcast. Hi there, my name is Todd Rhodes and I'm one of the co-founders of the chemistrystaffingcom, and this is the Healthy Church Staff podcast. All right Now.
Speaker 1:Gaslighting is a new word. I still don't know that I totally understand the definition of gaslighting. I think I do, but people use it in different contexts. But it's not just a buzzword or a plot device in a psychological thriller. It's a real and rather insidious form of manipulation that can wreak havoc on relationships, it can erode trust and it can lead victims feeling confused, doubting their own sanity and questioning their worth. Okay, so maybe you're like me and you don't really. You're not really sure of the definition. All right, let me give you a definition of gaslighting, at least as I understand it.
Speaker 1:Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a victim's mind, making them question their own sanity or memory or perception of reality and it's often done over an extended period of time. That can lead to confusion, it can lead to loss of confidence and self-esteem, depending on the perpetrator. Okay, so I just read that gaslighting definition. So gaslighting doesn't ever hurt the church, I wish. Sadly, the church is not immune from this toxic behavior. In fact, in any hierarchical, hierarchical oh my goodness, I'm not going to edit this out just because I want to be genuine Wherever there's any hierarchy in structure, power dynamics or emphasis on spiritual authority, that can just, in and of itself, can create this fertile ground for gaslighting to take place.
Speaker 1:What does it mean? In the church, it's a form almost of emotional abuse where a person manipulates and maybe it's a pastor or a church leader, maybe it's a volunteer, maybe it's just a church member where the person manipulates somebody else into questioning their own perceptions or memories or sanity, and it can involve denying the truth, it can involve shading or twisting of the facts, it can involve shifting blame and it can involve minimizing the victim's feelings. So, in a church context, where do we see gaslighting happening? It could be a pastor that dismisses a staff member's concerns as hey, you're just overreacting or hey, you're being a little bit too sensitive here. Okay, it could be a church leader who denies making a promise, or hey, I never said that. I don't know where you heard that, even if you're confronted with the evidence. No, I think you're misunderstanding what I meant when I said that. Okay, that's gaslighting.
Speaker 1:It could be, maybe, a colleague who constantly undermines your confidence or makes you doubt your abilities or your judgment. It could be a colleague who constantly undermines your confidence or makes you doubt your abilities or your judgment. It could be a volunteer who twists your words or your actions to make you feel bad. Maybe it's somebody that tells half-truths, tells what they say is true, but they don't tell the other side of the story. And all of these are examples of gaslighting.
Speaker 1:And let me tell you, gaslighting can be devastating. Victims may experience anxiety and depression and low self-esteem and even physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches. It can also erode trust and damage relationships and create really a toxic environment within your church. And it only takes one person to gaslight. That can really make just. It can be almost a cancer on your church staff, church team.
Speaker 1:What can you do if you suspect you're being gaslighted? All right, here's a few steps you can take. First of all trust your instincts. If something feels off, a lot of times it is. Don't dismiss your feelings or your doubts, so trust your instincts. And then, number two if you feel like an individual is starting to gaslight you, document the behavior. Keep a record of specific instances where you feel like you were gaslighted, including dates and times and details. Just document it. This will help you to know that you're actually not losing your mind here, because that's part of gaslighting. You just almost get convinced. The other person convinces you that what really is reality is not. Number three is seek support. Talk to a trusted friend or a family member, maybe a therapist or a spiritual advisor.
Speaker 1:Don't try and go through this alone. It's really difficult. Set boundaries Clearly. Communicate your boundaries to the person that's gaslighting you. Now, sometimes, if this is your supervisor and it's your pastor or your supervisor at your church that you feel is gaslighting you, it's difficult to create boundaries because of the relationship, but let them know that their behavior is unacceptable and you won't tolerate that and that may have consequences, absolutely, but it's important that you don't let it continue. Try as best you can to set some boundaries. And then, lastly, don't engage.
Speaker 1:Gaslighters thrive conflict and drama and as best you can. Try not to get drawn into their games. Focus on your own well-being. Seek support from those that believe Validate. Okay.
Speaker 1:So here's the bottom line. Gaslighting is absolutely a serious issue and it can have devastating consequences, and it does happen in the church. I don't want to say all the time, but it happens more often than what we'd like to think. If you recognize the science, though, and you trust your instincts, you seek support, you can break free from this. If you're struggling with an abusive relationship, a gaslighting relationship or some other thing that you just need a little advice and help and coaching on, don't hesitate to reach out for help. You can always reach out to me. Podcast at chemistrystackcom.
Speaker 1:I'd love to hear your story and see if there's a way to help you or your church work through that. Guys, gals, we are called to be beacons of light and truth and love, so our churches really need to create churches that are safe havens from manipulation and abuse and yes, gaslighting. Everybody really needs to feel valued and heard and empowered in the light of the gospel and in the fullness of their God-given purpose. So I hope this is helpful today. I know this happens a lot more than what we think Maybe you're being gaslit, maybe you are a gaslighter Most gaslighters. Some gaslighters know exactly what they're doing. Others are just so self-aware that just look it up themselves. Either way, it's a serious issue. If there's any way that I can get through with you or you have any questions at all, I'd love to talk to you. Podcast at chemistrystaffcom. All right, we will be back here again tomorrow for the Healthy Church Staff Podcast. Hope you'll join us and if you haven't subscribed, then hit subscribe wherever you listen to this podcast. Thanks, ed.
